It’s no secret that many couples have mixed signals on exactly what their partner wants in the bedroom. To help sort out these “misunderstandings,” Ian Kerner, author of several books including “She Comes First,” and iVillage sex expert Tracey Cox addressed the most common mistakes women make.....
The sex mistakes women most often make:
1. Women don’t understand why men don’t like to cuddle.
Ian: After sex, men return to the pre-aroused state, women return to a semi-aroused state. For guys it’s a total system shutdown. We just want to crash, whereas women want to connect, cuddle, converse, even have more sex. Women shouldn’t assume that a guy is insensitive if he’s more inclined to snore than snuggle. He’s probably just shattered. Think of it as a compliment to the sex you just had.
Tracey: I disagree with this. I think men do like to cuddle! They’re just worried their partner might see it as weak and them as vulnerable. I think a lot of the time a man suggests sex, what they’re really after is the physical closeness a cuddle would provide
2. Women don’t understand the extent to which performance anxieties, self-esteem issues and body-image issues all affect male sex drive.
Ian: Absolutely. Guys have many of the same issues as women when it comes to sex: feeling out of shape, unattractive, not wanting to be seen naked during sex. I worked with one guy who always had to rush to put on his boxers after sex and could never cuddle naked. His wife didn’t know what was going on. Turned out he felt very “smallish” after sex.
Also, when guys are stressed out about work/financial issues, it often leads to a shutdown of desire. In both men and women, low self-esteem equals low desire.
Tracey: Men aren’t robots. They’re humans and worry about the same stuff females do. Also there’s pressure on men to provide good sex to women. They expect a lot from men in bed these days, and often expect men to be mind readers, rather than tell them what they want. I’m not surprised men get anxious and their libido dips.
3. Women think that men are always ready and willing to have sex any time, any place.
Ian: No way. As relationships progress over time, women can’t assume that guys are Pavlovian dogs that want to have sex every time you ring the bell. The mental turn-on becomes more crucial than the physical turn-on, and sexual desire begins in the brain, not the groin.
Tracey: They do! And they get all upset if he doesn’t get an instant erection just by looking at her! It’s true that young men probably are ready, willing and able at any point, but once a guy moves into his 20s, the pressure mounts in other areas of his life, like career, and he’s as capable of getting distracted by life’s problems as she is!
4. Women don’t understand how men can differentiate so easily between love and sex.
Ian: One of the reasons is that during sex, women produce lots of oxytocin, a hormone that stimulates a strong emotional connection. As a result, women are more emotionally integrated when it comes to sex. That’s why casual sex and hookups often backfire for lots of women. Guys produce little to no oxytocin, and can easily have sex without any sense of emotional connection. It’s sex with no emotional strings attached.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Tips for Dealing With Blind Dates
When you are going on a blind date it is a good idea to make it a short one. Go out for coffee or drinks, at the most go for lunch. If you keep the date short then there will be less pressure on your date. This will allow you to scope each other out without the need to be worried about the appropriateness of who should pay the bill or maintaining a long conversation.
Plan to go to a public place with people around but not too crowded or loud. This way you can be safe and have enough privacy for a conversation without anyone’s voice getting drowned out. Of course, it’s a good idea to keep away from your regular hangouts so you don’t have to chat with your friends. Focus only on the date to learn about him/her and help you decide if a second date is worth it. A short period of time in a safe yet private place is perfect for a blind date.
Maintain a balanced attitude in your conversation. Don’t be sarcastic or condescending towards others. You don’t know what your date may or may not find offensive. Plus you will seem crude and disrespectful. If you are a guy and make suggestive comments then you will make your date very uncomfortable and it’s unlikely you will see her again. It’s also a good idea to keep away from controversial views such as views or organized religion or the state of politics unless you have already been discussing such things online or something like that before you meet your blind date.
The most important tip on conversation etiquette is to listen to your date. Ask questions to sound interested and to get to know about your date. Preparing a list of questions before hand might be a good idea to keep the conversation going. Ask open ended questions to learn what they value as this helps you understand their core. For example, what do you most enjoy? Or what makes you passionate? Or why do you like your present job? Etc. If you focus on specific questions such as asking about the years spent somewhere or how many vacations he/she takes, then there is little room for your date to provide information about interests them in their own words so you can get to know them better.
Remember to keep basic courtesy at all times. Keep your cell phone off unless you are ‘on-call’ in which case let your date know that you will ignore all calls except emergencies. Don’t expect too much from this date. It is a blind date so it will probably lead to nothing but it could lead to you making a good friend or even a fulfilling relationship. However, it’s best to go out just to have a good time getting to know someone new and that is it.
Lastly, make up your own mind about your date. If your friend is setting you up on this blind date, don’t ask questions about your date. Your friend’s opinions could bias you in one direction or another. It is best to prepare yourself and meet your date with a clean slate, so you can get to how you feel about him or her. Always read the top bestsellers on relationships and dating so you are up to date to the psychology of the opposite sex so you don’t sabotage yourself to faulty assumptions.
Learn while you date and you will have the most fun and educational experience you can.
Article courtesy : http://dating-and-seduction-tips.blogspot.com/
Plan to go to a public place with people around but not too crowded or loud. This way you can be safe and have enough privacy for a conversation without anyone’s voice getting drowned out. Of course, it’s a good idea to keep away from your regular hangouts so you don’t have to chat with your friends. Focus only on the date to learn about him/her and help you decide if a second date is worth it. A short period of time in a safe yet private place is perfect for a blind date.
Maintain a balanced attitude in your conversation. Don’t be sarcastic or condescending towards others. You don’t know what your date may or may not find offensive. Plus you will seem crude and disrespectful. If you are a guy and make suggestive comments then you will make your date very uncomfortable and it’s unlikely you will see her again. It’s also a good idea to keep away from controversial views such as views or organized religion or the state of politics unless you have already been discussing such things online or something like that before you meet your blind date.
The most important tip on conversation etiquette is to listen to your date. Ask questions to sound interested and to get to know about your date. Preparing a list of questions before hand might be a good idea to keep the conversation going. Ask open ended questions to learn what they value as this helps you understand their core. For example, what do you most enjoy? Or what makes you passionate? Or why do you like your present job? Etc. If you focus on specific questions such as asking about the years spent somewhere or how many vacations he/she takes, then there is little room for your date to provide information about interests them in their own words so you can get to know them better.
Remember to keep basic courtesy at all times. Keep your cell phone off unless you are ‘on-call’ in which case let your date know that you will ignore all calls except emergencies. Don’t expect too much from this date. It is a blind date so it will probably lead to nothing but it could lead to you making a good friend or even a fulfilling relationship. However, it’s best to go out just to have a good time getting to know someone new and that is it.
Lastly, make up your own mind about your date. If your friend is setting you up on this blind date, don’t ask questions about your date. Your friend’s opinions could bias you in one direction or another. It is best to prepare yourself and meet your date with a clean slate, so you can get to how you feel about him or her. Always read the top bestsellers on relationships and dating so you are up to date to the psychology of the opposite sex so you don’t sabotage yourself to faulty assumptions.
Learn while you date and you will have the most fun and educational experience you can.
Article courtesy : http://dating-and-seduction-tips.blogspot.com/
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Tips for dealing with bad dates
Spending a whole night with someone you can’t bear to be with can feel like an eternity and is one of the worst ways to spend a date.
Bad dates can occur by going out with someone because the person is wrong for you or the date activity itself is not entertaining. Some dates go bad because of external circumstances such as bad weather or traffic jams, but these dates can become ‘shared experiences’ which can lead to a bonding that comes from shared hardship. So bad external conditions can be ignored as a bad date as the situation couldn’t be avoided and it doesn’t involve a personality clash.
One of the main problems with bad dates is that you are partly responsible. Why? Simply because you agreed to go out on this date to begin with. You could have agreed to this date as a favor for a friend or a family member but you said yes when you could have said no. Of course, once you have been on a bad date you will be a lot more cautious which gives bad dates a steep learning curve. So next time you will be sure to ask about this person or just say no if you can’t get much information. This will save you from getting stuck with a workaholic who can only talk of work, or someone who only talks about themselves or even a person who keeps quit making you wonder why they want to date to begin with. If you knew this person before going out then it shows that you really didn’t know them or that the date changes this person in some way so you will be more careful about accepting a date from someone in a similar situation in the future.
If you like the person you dated but got bored with the date itself you should consider what sort of suggestions you made yourself for this date. Did you agree to this particular dates venue or were you even asked for your opinion. If your dates didn’t ask you about how you felt about this dates activity then you have to consider if this person just ignored your opinion or just doesn’t know you very well. If your opinion was ignored then you have to consider if this person is the right person for you to date at this time or were they just nervous about pleasing you and you should give them another chance. Keep in mind that everybody has their own likes and dislikes and so if you got taken to a date venue that you have had a bad experience with so you can’t enjoy yourself in such a place, then this is something your date could not have known.
Sometimes it is best if you speak up about what kind of date you would like to go on. After you speak up, if your date still doesn’t ask you for your feedback you can safely avoid them as going out with them will most likely lead to bad dates.
To keep bad dates to a minimum make sure you give your feedback on what dates venues you are interested in. Ask your date about the kind of things they like to do and make a suggestion about a date venue you both might like.
If you can’t stand somebody very much and are not sure if you can enjoy a long date then make sure you pick a fun date venue so your date is not as important to your enjoyment of the date, as say an intimate dinner would be. If you are careful about who you go out with and where you go out then you can keep bad dates to a bare minimum.
Article Courtesy : Nicoles blog
Bad dates can occur by going out with someone because the person is wrong for you or the date activity itself is not entertaining. Some dates go bad because of external circumstances such as bad weather or traffic jams, but these dates can become ‘shared experiences’ which can lead to a bonding that comes from shared hardship. So bad external conditions can be ignored as a bad date as the situation couldn’t be avoided and it doesn’t involve a personality clash.
One of the main problems with bad dates is that you are partly responsible. Why? Simply because you agreed to go out on this date to begin with. You could have agreed to this date as a favor for a friend or a family member but you said yes when you could have said no. Of course, once you have been on a bad date you will be a lot more cautious which gives bad dates a steep learning curve. So next time you will be sure to ask about this person or just say no if you can’t get much information. This will save you from getting stuck with a workaholic who can only talk of work, or someone who only talks about themselves or even a person who keeps quit making you wonder why they want to date to begin with. If you knew this person before going out then it shows that you really didn’t know them or that the date changes this person in some way so you will be more careful about accepting a date from someone in a similar situation in the future.
If you like the person you dated but got bored with the date itself you should consider what sort of suggestions you made yourself for this date. Did you agree to this particular dates venue or were you even asked for your opinion. If your dates didn’t ask you about how you felt about this dates activity then you have to consider if this person just ignored your opinion or just doesn’t know you very well. If your opinion was ignored then you have to consider if this person is the right person for you to date at this time or were they just nervous about pleasing you and you should give them another chance. Keep in mind that everybody has their own likes and dislikes and so if you got taken to a date venue that you have had a bad experience with so you can’t enjoy yourself in such a place, then this is something your date could not have known.
Sometimes it is best if you speak up about what kind of date you would like to go on. After you speak up, if your date still doesn’t ask you for your feedback you can safely avoid them as going out with them will most likely lead to bad dates.
To keep bad dates to a minimum make sure you give your feedback on what dates venues you are interested in. Ask your date about the kind of things they like to do and make a suggestion about a date venue you both might like.
If you can’t stand somebody very much and are not sure if you can enjoy a long date then make sure you pick a fun date venue so your date is not as important to your enjoyment of the date, as say an intimate dinner would be. If you are careful about who you go out with and where you go out then you can keep bad dates to a bare minimum.
Article Courtesy : Nicoles blog
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